It's official.

The end of the world isn't going to be Dec. 21, 2012.

I can guarantee you that the finish for the Mayan calendar isn't going to be anything special, end-of-the-world-wise, unless you count the part where I'll be in a crowded shopping mall that day trying to find a vintage Pokemon Yellow Nintendo DS game and I will certainly wish that my world might end in a fiery ball of salsa.

No, The End of Everything As We Know It has already pretty much happened, with the recent announcement concerning the planned remake of the classic ode to love, romance and sword fights, "The Princess Bride."

Really? REALLY?


My name is Elizabeth Evans. You're ruining my favorite movie. Prepare to ... you get the picture.

Tell me it isn't so. You're talking about the film that gave me Dad Interrupted's impassioned marriage proposal ("Please consider me as an alternative to suicide") set to Mark Knopfler's haunting score. You're talking about the three little words that replaced "I love you" for at least two generations of movie-goers: "As you wish." You're talking about Andre the Giant playing, well, Andre the Giant.

As it turns out, the recent "Princess Bride" remake announcement didn't mean what we thought it meant. It was just a rumor in the Twitterverse. But the story exploded and sent us over the Cliffs of Insanity for a very good reason: remaking one of the best movies of the 20th century sounds exactly like the kind of bonehead maneuver Hollywood would pull.

In 2010, there were no fewer than 75 cinematic remakes in the works. Bad enough that somewhere, somehow, someone has so little imagination that they're actually putting together a reboot of (heaven help us) "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas," and somewhere a relative of that same someone saw fit to start assembling a Frankensteinian version of "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

Guys: Surely there are still some new, unique combinations of the 171,476 words in the English language still available to you so you can scratch out the odd original screenplay. Get cracking! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland?

And quit calling me Shirley (there's another classic I pray will never be remade).

But "The Princess Bride?" Is nothing sacred? I would compare this to the horror of re-animating a beloved deceased pet so it could lurch across the living room rug again, except the analogy falls apart because in this case, the beloved pet doesn't need reanimating because, in this case, the pet hasn't died. It lives on and flourishes in DVD, where Buttercup finally realizes that she loves the farm boy, you never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line, and I doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels.

Somebody get me Miracle Max!

Has a remake ever wound up being worth remaking? Get used to disappointment. Nothing was gained by sitting through "The Wicker Man," or Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes," or "Alfie." You know: the Pit of Despair.

Since the invention of film there have been five movies that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.

The End!

• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at Her column appears monthly.

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