A Brief History of Weddings: In the beginning, there were People, who realized fairly quickly they wanted to invent The Couple. Five minutes after The Couple hit the scene, someone dreamed up Flash Mob Marriage Proposals. At which point, The Bride became a foregone conclusion. Some 50,000 years and one Internet later, there came The Knot, a popular website designed for The Bride, so she might have a better source of ideas in order to produce Her Day.
The Knot runs a feature where A Bride, or someone related in some manner to A Bride, asks a question. The Knot’s Wizard of Wedding Wisdom supplies an answer. Sometimes they also afford us a glimpse of The Impending Apocalypse.
Here’s a question: “I am about to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. I’m also engaged and was amazed when she told me I couldn’t wear my engagement ring during her wedding because it was larger than hers. What should I do?” — Scarlet, Longview, Texas.
OK, so I’m thinking that the advice is going to be to drop out of the wedding because this “friend” of yours has turned into a complete megalomaniac and will no doubt lay waste to entire villages as she cuts a wide swath of destruction in her rampage to the altar. But let’s see what The Knot has to say!
Here’s The Knot’s advice: “Being upstaged by a bridesmaid can be a very real fear for some brides. Handle the situation gently — explain that you’d rather not take off the ring for personal reasons. If she persists, remove it to avoid more drama.”
Here’s Mom, Interrupted’s advice: Run far. Run fast. If this “friend” can’t understand the significance of an engagement ring (“Personal Reasons?” I need to invoke “personal reasons” as a reason why I don’t want to remove my engagement ring?) then there is no telling what other petulant demands she’s going to make in service to Her Day, like some sort of tyrannical minor god demanding more tribute and sacrifice from her increasingly-resentful worshipers.
This is a joke, right? If Bridezilla thinks that an entire audience is going to be so mesmerized by the disco ball on her bridesmaid’s hand that they will forget to look at said Bridezilla, Bridezilla should be humored? What if Bridezilla gets it up her nose that no one in the venue should be prettier than her? We just smile indulgently and say, “It’s OK, honey! We’ll just decapitate the pretty guests, to avoid more drama.”
Please. Say it isn’t so. Because if it is, actually, so and this is what weddings have become, I advocate simply tranquilizing brides outright and delivering them comatose to their nuptials, now that we’ve established that letting them get upset is to be avoided at all costs lest their tiaras spontaneously combust and take us all down in flames.
It is famously said that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Well, the only thing necessary for crazy brides to triumph is for the rest of us to endure this stuff to avoid more drama.
It’s time we drew a line in the sand with our eye-popping engagement rings, right here, right now and take a stand.
A stand right behind the caterer, because The Bride is crazy.
• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Her column appears monthly.