Ahwatukee Foothills News : Letters to the Editor

Local cat owners: beware of coyotes

Dear Editor:

I just wanted to warn cat-owning Ahwatukee residents, especially those that live within walking distance of South Mountain Park, that it is not safe for cats to be outdoors.

A couple days ago I witnessed a large coyote walking through the wash next to Western Star Park (44th Street and Elliot Road) with a dead black cat in his mouth. He stopped in his tracks when my dog started barking, but did not drop the cat. He even stopped to let a car go by before crossing the street with his prey in his mouth. Especially in this neighborhood, people need to be aware that there are coyotes that roam the park area most every morning just before the sun comes up.

I should add that, recently, my husband witnessed a coyote stalking a small dog that was being walked by a woman on one of the South Mountain trails. The brazen coyote came within about 15 feet of the woman and her dog.

Lisa Browning

Native creatures benefit our lives

Dear Editor:

Your recent inquiry, "Are they affecting your family...tell us your story" sounds like you're looking for the "A coyote ate my cat" or "The javelina are eating my flowers" story versus the benefits these native been-here-long-before-us creatures bring to our lives.

After all, if you want to be away from nature why don't you move to downtown Phoenix or one of the other East Valley neighborhoods vs. Ahwatukee?

I have two perspectives for your AFN "Callout" request:

- Kids love the wildlife

Our house backs up to the mountain preserve in the Foothills area of Ahwatukee (The Highlands neighborhood). Over the course of any given year we see a variety of "wildlife" ranging from coyotes to rabbits to lizards to snakes to a plethora of birds. We all look forward to the desert warm-up as these animals start becoming active and return to the area. The kids love seeing the hummingbirds flitting about, the Gambel quail clucking around, and hearing the mockingbirds' fabulous songs. Everyone is excited when someone spots a coyote on the hillside. The challenge always is to follow it across the landscape as it blends in quite well. The occasional snake sighting is a terrific reptilian learning opportunity (we've seen ground snakes, a gopher snake and a speckled rattlesnake). The behavior and speed of the lizards (tiger whiptail, chuckwalla, banded gecko, etc.) is always fun to watch (and the kids try to catch them, usually without success.) It's a great time of year for all of us, and we couldn't imagine living here without them. Thank you, Mother Nature!

Another tangent: There obviously is some other "wildlife" in our area at night. Once in a while I'll go for my morning walk and see trees covered with toilet paper. I'm pretty sure the coyote wildlife didn't do this work. I also have to comment that I'd rather deal with the trivial messes the coyotes might leave behind versus the refuse left by this other nocturnal "wildlife."

- How are we affecting the wildlife?

I think if you truly want to do a balanced journalistic piece you really need to consider both sides of the story. This includes both the positive as well as (most likely) negative aspects of your "How are the wildlife affecting the people in Ahwahtukee?," but also, "How are the people affecting the wildlife?"

They were hear first, many, many years ahead of us: the road graders, contractors, developers, etc. We should do our best to live around them and in harmony with them, not try to displace them further.

My kids and I cry when we see a coyote dead on the side of the road. They never win the "car versus coyote" battles.

Try to talk to the rangers at South Mountain and some of the other state governmental agencies who deal with our wild animals to get a perspective on how they've fared as development has encroached on them.

Jim St. Leger

How have we affected the wildlife?

Dear Editor:

I have lived in the Foothills for 15 years. I grew up in the desert surrounding Tucson and picked our lot because it was on the preserve and I wanted to be closer to the wildlife.

I relish the bird song in the morning and the owls at night. We see coyotes regularly on the hill behind our house and we have had three rattlesnakes in our yard since we moved in. Scorpions are anticipated every summer. One of the highlights of our time here was catching a glimpse of a baby javelina.

Like many residents, we have lost cats to the desert, but given all the benefits we accrue, I can't be sorry that we picked our spot. I read your callout with some dismay as I believe we should be asking ourselves how we have affected the wildlife, rather than asking how they have affected ours.

Laura C. Fulginiti, Forensic Anthropologist

Couldn't agree more

Dear Editor:

I read a letter written by Lt. Col. Larry J. Kluth ("This country has a long way to go," AFN, March 26) and felt compelled to respond.

He wrote that the country isn't the way he would like it to be and that religion is having an interference with politics; I couldn't agree more.

I saw on a documentary that there is somewhere around 3,000 religions on this planet, each with a different idea on how the world was created and what they think their "higher power" wants them to do. The fact that there are even that many religions should be reason enough to believe that no one is right, even though most believe they are.

Yet, many people let it influence their professional opinions and actions because they feel so strongly by it. I know a few people that truly didn't want Mitt Romney to win just because of the fact that he is Mormon, not because of his political opinions or the way he would lead America. Romney, and almost all of the other candidates for that matter, would have been a giant leap up from our good old "Dubya" Bush.

At least none of them were arrested for DWI, found Jesus and was then elected for it.

Arien Freymuth

Some miss the forest by only seeing trees

Dear Editor:

Week after week the AFN publishes letters from unhappy residents complaining about the United States, evil Republicans, stupid Christians, and our collectively awful lots in life. I suppose that's not surprising given eight years of media stories telling Americans how bad things are.

The human condition in Ahwatukee exceeds that of 90 percent of the world's population. Although you'd never know it from the press, extremely low U.S. unemployment remains the envy of the world (at a rate half that of Europe). The U.S. economy is still more than twice as big as any other country's. Even those at the U.S. poverty line have cars, cable TV, Air Jordans, cell phones and food. Our community is safe, clean and replete with nice people and good schools filled with wonderful teachers.

Some miss this forest by only seeing trees with problems. We all choose how we will approach each day, our jobs, our neighbors, our countrymen and our spirituality. My suggestion: don't buy what unhappy and bitter folks are selling. It's obviously not working for them.

These letters mocking Christians and the gun-totin' South undermine the argument that Obama was "misinterpreted" when he did the same at a fundraiser for elitist millionaires. At least the left is consistent in its condescension. Like Marx, they appear to have no respect for the little people if the little people aren't on board with their revolution.

One such recent letter relied on Tocqueville in insulting our "ignorance." The irony is that Tocqueville believed America succeeded because of its individual economic opportunity, religiousity and patriotism. To quote that great French historian, "The American Republic will endure until the day Congress discovers that it can bribe the public with the public's money." That, in a nutshell, it what the left is all about - convincing the public to rely on government to fix endless problems. If our problems were solved, they'd lose their jobs in big bureaucracy. So all we get is talk of trees with problems.

L. Brown

Telegraph Pass parking also problematic

Dear Editor:

I've casually perused the articles published in recent weeks about the parking situation at the Pima Canyon Trail. I'm surprised that there hasn't been any discussion (that I'm aware of) regarding the severe lack of parking at the Telegraph Pass trailhead on Desert Foothills Parkway.

It's a bad situation there, too, and many people are frustrated and inconvenienced.

As you may be aware, the parking lot at Telegraph Pass is often filled to capacity and people are forced to park in non-spaces, both on the asphalt and the dirt. It used to be that cars could park along the road in the neighborhood across the street, but now parking is prohibited there, resulting in an impossible situation.

I live just down the street and have been hiking Telegraph Pass almost daily for the past 10 years, but the parking problems only started recently. It's really frustrating to drive all the way over there to get some exercise and fresh air, only to find there's no place to park.

George Kontos

More parking nightmares

Dear Editor:

You think Pima Canyon has parking problems, I welcome you to visit the neighborhood around Desert Vista High School after 8:30 in the morning. Our streets have been taken over by students attending Desert Vista High School.

Come up 29th Place and follow the street around. It's like Interstate 10 at 8 a.m., a parking lot. The kids leave trash all over the place, and they are quite loud while walking to class.

I've lived here for nine years now and I've seen the problem get worse and worse each year. I went to speak with Dr. McDonald when he was principal and, basically, his thoughts were, "If it happens off campus there is not much I can do."

Morrice Henderson

Thanks for your support

Dear Editor:

As a new school sport club in the Ahwatukee Foothills area, the Desert Vista Water Polo Team would like to thank the Ahwatukee Foothills News staff and The Body Firm Fitness Center for providing support to our growing team.

We appreciate the acknowledgment you have given to our sport and we thank The Body Firm for sponsoring our team this season. Recently, five of our female athletes competed and all earned spots on the Mountain Zone travel team for their respective age groups. They will be competing at the Zone Championships in California over Memorial Day weekend against teams from all over the nation.

We are very proud of our teammates and we are also proud to be a part of a community that has given support to water polo.

Thank you, again, Ahwatukee Foothills News and The Body Firm Fitness Center. Your support and recognition has meant a great deal.

The Desert Vista Water Polo Team and coaches

Where do the Pitbulls go?

Dear Editor:

As a young adult, I had an American Staffordshire Terrier, who was given up by her previous owners because she was "too hyper."

Tatanka, as I named her, gave me many happy, love-filled years. We were meant for each other; we hiked, jogged and played together. She was not only a companion, but also my best friend and confidant. Tatanka never hurt anyone or anything. She was a big dog with a puppy's attitude and a tear-jerking love for little kids. All the children in the neighborhood knew her by name and would play her favorite games, such as "throw the ball and never get it back," "chase me - you'll never catch me," "pin you down and lick your face," and many others.

When Tatanka's life was senselessly taken by a poisoned piece of meat, she took with her forever a piece of my heart. I can't understand what would have made someone take the life of such a precious, loving creature. Perhaps it was fear caused by the size and stature of that awe-inspiring animal, which made that unkind heart kill that big, gentle spirit.

Phantom heartaches stab my chest when I see the Pitbulls in our shelter. I know that most of them won't make it to the next day.

What have we done to these beautiful dogs? Pitbulls were once the "Nanny dog of America." There was a time when Petey the Pitbull accompanied the Little Rascals in all their adventures, warming children's hearts throughout the nation.

Today, many Bullies love and are loved by their families. Unfortunately, many more will lose their lives at the gentle hands of a shelter worker, who couldn't possibly find good homes for them all.

Did you know that almost a third of all the dogs coming through the animal shelter system in the Valley are Pitbulls? Yes, you read it right; approximately 20,000 Pitbulls will find themselves in a shelter every year. Most of them are good dogs in need of a loving home.

Pitbulls are intelligent, precocious and athletic dogs that will do nearly anything asked of them. They are hard-wired to be animal aggressive and people must be mindful of this heritage, especially around children and small animals.

Although wonderful companions, Pitbulls are not for beginners; these are dogs that need an experienced and well-informed owner who is ready to make a commitment. They need a kind, but firm, caretaker that can funnel their gleeful zest for life through exercise, training and service. These dogs will return your care and attention ten-fold; they will always be loving and devoted to their families. 

Most of the ones we see in our shelters are there because their owners did not know what they were getting into when they acquired a Bully. Sadly, there are not enough good homes for them. These beautiful animals have a greater risk of being euthanized than any other breed. In fact, a 50 percent higher risk.

Rescue groups don't want them as they are harder to place than any other dog. Many people don't understand the breed and are unreasonably afraid of them. Of all the Bullies in the shelter, less than 1 percent will go to a rescue group, 12 percent will be claimed by their owners, and 10 percent will be adopted. More than 73 percent will be euthanized.

Together we need to stop the irrational breeding of Pitbulls. What can you do to save these beautiful animals? If you own a Pitbull, sterilize him, train him and socialize him. Encourage friends and family to sterilize their dogs. If you are looking for a pet, do not buy from a store, the newspaper or the backyard breeder. Adopt your new dog from the animal shelter. Volunteer to support your favorite animal shelter.

The shelters alone cannot solve the problem. It is up to us as a community to end this tragedy.

Dr. Rodrigo Silva, director

Maricopa County Animal Care and Control

This is a right-to-carry state

Dear Editor:

I am deeply concerned that people want to automatically judge the man who allegedly showed a gun to a woman in a school parking lot after a minor road rage incident as guilty without having more facts.

Obviously, if the woman making the claim could prove the incident, the man would have been arrested. If the police found he had an illegal firearm, he would have been arrested. If the man owned a gun and police found he was in any way mentally compromised, he would have been arrested and made to have an evaluation. The police would have made sure the press was notified, too. They love to make examples of gun owners if they can.

David C Kupres and people like him scare me more than someone just showing that they have a gun ("More information needed," AFN, April 9). This is a right-to-carry state and we do allow concealed weapons with a permit. Seeing a firearm on someone's belt doesn't automatically mean that person is out to do evil. This is the West, and we are still in America. I resent the fact that these liberal Easterners come here and want to take our constitutional rights away.

Kupres, and others of his ilk, react out of fear and suspicion rather than with rational, calm thought or logic. He reminds me of the Witch Hunters, the KKK and the Vigilantes... groups that took drastic measures to incite others into mass hysteria (just like I thought the journalist who wrote the headline for that article was insightful. After reading it, Kupres has certainly made my point).

The one question Kupres failed to ask - and I think it is the most important - "Was there a credible gun incident or was it made up?" Seriously, why would a woman wait hours before reporting an incident like this? This sounds to me like a he-said/she-said story, where a mad woman wanted revenge.

Of course, there are always at least three sides to every story - Yours, Mine and The Truth. It's my guess that the police investigating this incident chose to weigh all of the information and certainly would not allow a maniac with a gun to run free. I would like to think they are professionals that can use their resources to ferret out what kind of a future threat this man would be - or not! 

If Kupres doesn't trust the police to handle this incident, why would he want to give them exclusive power over our personal protection by taking our right to own guns away? Oh, yeah, Kupres has a cell phone! Lots of luck with that when he comes upon a real life-threatening event!

By knowing the name of the "alleged" perpetrator, what does Kupres intend to do? Stake out the school 24/7 in shifts of panicked parents to watch for him to make an appearance? Stake out the man's home or work? Will he simply stalk him or, after getting himself frenzied up, will he get drunk, round up some other outraged parents and go lynch the man?

Ridiculous? To you and me, but maybe not to an irrational parent fearing for their child's life (mental illness is not only reserved for those nasty gun owners, you know).

I'm sorry for the sarcasm, but this absurd letter to your paper disturbs me. Kupres and the reporter pronounced that man in the parking lot guilty with a (so far) unsubstantiated accusation - not even giving him the benefit of the doubt so he can prove himself innocent. Which he should not have to do! That is not the way I was taught our system works in America. The fact that there are anti-gun zealots like Kupres out there, who are willing to jump to rash conclusions and rile others up in order to forward their agendas, scares the hell out of me in more ways than one.

D.J. Burns

Heartfelt thank you to everyone

Dear Editor:

We would like to thank everyone who donated to, helped with, and shopped at our cul-de-sac sale benefitting Joann Chase and her family. We are in awe at the outpouring of love and help from our community. Joann and her family are even more determined to fight this battle because of the support and prayers you have given to them.

Her treatment for bone cancer and a brain tumor are just beginning and we are having a golf tournament to benefit this family. It will be held at 1 p.m. Saturday, May 10, at The Raven golf course. We invite all to participate in the tournament, sponsor a tee or provide a raffle item or something for the silent auction. Tickets will also be sold for the barbecue/auction only.

For more information on the golf tournament, send an e-mail to MissyP@kw.com or AZ4NU1@cox.net.

The Ahwatukee Community Swim and Tennis Center will host a morning fundraiser May 10 along with Ahwatukee Adventure Boot Camp. All proceeds will go to the Chase family. Information on this event can be found at www.AhwatukeeHOA.com and www.AdventureBootCamp.com. 

Again, thank you to all who are supporting this family with love and concern. Our theme for them is "Miracles Happen."

Cindy Goodman and Debbie Kendall

How about an actual statistic?

Dear Editor:

I would like to respond to Tim Lank's letter ("Keep up the good work," AFN, April 4). He says that "history has shown, and data support" that lots of people with handguns make people more polite and reduces crime.

After I picked myself off the floor from laughing so hard, I felt I needed to respond. Of course, as it usually goes in cases like this, there is no citing of the "data" he mentions, making it more difficult to refute.

Well, let's discuss history.

Off the top of my head, the American Old West: Hmm, everyone had guns, yet people did not seem to be overly polite or "respect other's property."

OK, let's look at the contemporary society. Japan and England: Virtually no one has a gun, and when I think of rude, theft-ridden society, my first thought is Japan or England.

Or how about in my own country? During my recent visit to South-Central Los Angeles, there were three things I noticed:

1. Guns everywhere

2. Polite people

3. A die-hard respect for property

Right.

Now, how about an actual statistic? According to the Washington D.C.-based Violence Policy Center, having a gun in the home makes it three times more likely that you or someone you care about will be murdered by a family member or intimate partner. But, hey, I am sure they will be very polite while murdering you.

Noah Binder

Get a grip

Dear Editor:

I must agree with C.W. Griffen's concern for the state of our country's education ("Are the Poles telling American Jokes?" AFN, April 16). However, after going further into his opinion piece, it seemed as if he suddenly became rabid. I can't believe that he can harbor such dislike for anyone who does not believe the complete evolution theory. Isn't it a bit childish to use such name-calling as "ignoramuses" and "crackpot intellectual racketeer?"

Poor man, he needs to get a grip.

Wanda Wells

Think Pima Canyon parking is bad?

Dear Editor:

You think the Pima Canyon has parking problems, I welcome you to visit the neighborhood around Desert Vista High School after 8:30 in the morning.

Our streets have been taken over by the students attending DVHS. Come up 29th Place and follow the street around. It's like Interstate 10 at 8 a.m., a parking lot. The kids leave trash all over the place, and they are quite loud while walking to class.

I've lived here for nine years now and I've seen the problem get worse and worse each year. I went to speak with Dr. McDonald when he was principal and, basically, his thoughts were "If it happens off campus there is not much I can do."

Morrice Henders

Not happy with Pima Canyon changes

Dear Editor:

I am not happy with the changes that have been made to the parking at the Pima Canyon entrance to South Mountain.

I have enjoyed hiking and trail running at South Mountain for over a dozen years and think it's fantastic that we have a park of this quality in the city. Parking at the Pima Canyon entrance has never been easy because it is a popular location, but the decision to only allow parking on one side of the street has made the situation far worse than the original arrangement. People have to walk twice as far on the road while dodging cars in order to get to the trailhead, which is a less safe situation. Cars now U-turn and block off traffic if they can't find parking on their first sweep of the roadway, which causes traffic jams and reduces safety. Parking runs all the way out to 48th Street on busy mornings, which is extremely inconvenient for trailhead access and I assume has become quite a nuisance for those living nearby.

The change was actually so poorly planned that people with bike racks on their vehicles couldn't even fit in the parking spaces that were painted on the road after the change occurred and parks services had to repaint everything to enlarge the spaces because they apparently made the change without even thinking about who uses the park.

Park rangers state emergency vehicle access as a reason for the change, yet the street was more than wide enough for fire trucks and safety vehicle access when parking was allowed on both sides. This was evidenced by my often seeing firemen bringing trucks to the park and trail running for team exercise. I also frequently saw police horses coming to the park in trailers and being ridden on the trails. Neither police or fire units using the park for training purposes appeared to have access problems so I can't believe emergency vehicle access was in any way an issue. Now, parking is so limited that horse trailers no longer have access to the trailhead.

Park rangers also state county dust ordinances as a reason for the change, but I am puzzled how people driving 5 to 10 mph could ever bring up enough dust to exceed the 20 percent opacity air quality limits stated in an ordinance that seems to mainly apply to commercial (construction and gravel) operations. There are many dirt roads in Maricopa County and stabilizing soil with gravel and other methods that don't involve paving appear to meet sufficient county ordinances in those places so I'm not sure how people using the park were thought to be exceeding them. I realize money is tight in today's economy, but, seriously, if the city of Phoenix can afford to buy a $2.4 million art installation that looks like a jellyfish for the downtown area, then somewhere there has to be a budget to allow the park to put down a little gravel on the edge of the road to meet the dust ordinance. Maybe if they paint it purple and call it an art installation, they can get money from the city's art budget.

When I lodged a complaint with the park ranger, the reply was essentially that I should drive farther and park at a different trailhead or find parking in some lot along Baseline Road that isn't on park property and walk to a trailhead from there if I didn't like the change. Aside from being environmentally unsound advice to tell people to drive farther, I was somewhat offended that the response included encouragement for park users to frequent an unpatrolled, secluded lot that isn't on park property in an area that hasn't exactly received a five-star safety rating in recent years rather than use the Pima Canyon entrance.

The point of going to the park is to enjoy a little time with nature, getting away from traffic jams, and all the problems you have to deal with at every mall parking lot around town. The change to allow parking on only one side of the street is a big step back for all park users as it will only discourage people from going there, which is what has happened with me as I rarely go hiking there now because I dread dealing with the parking.

There has to be better options and I only ask that those who are in charge of our parks take a fair look at the situation and try to work with the community to reach a better resolution rather than discouraging people from using public facilities.

Kristi Haverkamp

Not everyone upset with Pima Canyon parking

Dear Editor:

Not everyone is upset about the changes in the parking ("Parking cuts at Pima Canyon upset park-goers," AFN, April 16).

I especially don't know why Rich Grams is, since he parks in front of my house now anyways, and not in that parking lot, which, incidentally, is sometimes full for a few hours at a time.

Also, being from Chandler, how much should the citizens of Phoenix care what he has to say about our park?

Dan Cernoch

Enough of the right-wing attacks

Dear Editor:

News flash for the Ahwatukee Foothill News. There are actually some Democrats, progressives and, dare I mention the word, liberals, living in our community.

I know, because I'm one of them! And I get awfully tired of opening up my community newspaper and reading the constant radical-right attacks on anyone who is slightly to the left of Attila the Hun.

In the April 9 issue we were treated to "the Curmudgeon's Corner" stating that "our Constitution has been perverted by the American Civil Liberties Union and the liberal left-wingers of our court system and government." Chuck Roger's commentary indicates there is a liberal "Playbook" (I must have lost my copy, by the way) which demands that "liberals attack people that point up government's knack of bumbling up most of what it touches," and that we "insist life is great under socialism, I mean liberalism." And a letter to the editor ends up by pointing out the "endless, fruitless, worthless, directionless prattle liberals love to engage in."

Well, Mr. Curmudgeon, there are many who believe that our Constitution is under attack by the right, who would give our freedoms away in times of crisis, when they are most needed. And Mr. Roger, you seem so violently against giving away your hard-earned money to over-mortgaged homeowners and the long-term jobless, but I'm sure you have nothing to say about the corporate welfare system, which rewards and protects the Halliburton's of the world no matter how incompetent and rapacious they may be. And to your letter writer, I can only point out the irony in attacking liberals for their prattle after three columns of questions for a Lutheran pastor who simply posed some fascinating questions about faith and reason.

It's quite obvious that if one doesn't subscribe to your religious world view, then one's opinions are "worthless prattle." Hard to have a discussion when your entire argument is based on your faith. Since you can't be wrong, others with differing opinions can never be right.

Anyway, I get it. Liberals like me are less than human, probably have no right to live in an upright, God-fearing community like Ahwatukee, and would best be served by keeping our mouths shut. But to the editorial board, and all your columnists, I would like to point out that our community is made up of many people, of many differing opinions. It would be nice to share them in a civil discourse without the obvious right-wing attacks that have become such an enduring feature of your newspaper.

Pete Gitlin

Pages from the conservative playbook

Dear Editor:

(In response to Chuck Roger, "Pages from the liberal playbook," AFN, April 9):

Page 1: Start a war for false reasons and, despite facts, say things like "stay the course" and "the surge is working." Next, have the presidential candidate be John McCain, who displayed his military judgment early by claiming the war would pay for itself in oil revenues and be over quick, like a cake walk, but who now wants the war to last 100 more years. He doesn't know the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, and sings the song "Bomb-Bomb-Bomb Bomb-Bomb Iran" to much acclaim.

Page 2: Call the Geneva Conventions "quaint" and incarcerate people indefinitely without trial. Next, having crowned McCain, know he was against torture before he was for it, voted against a bill to ban waterboarding, and then applauded President Bush for vetoing that ban.

Page 3: Favor the corporation over the individual. Lift "liberal" regulations keeping disreputable sub-prime lenders from operating. Watch country sink. Bail out Wall Street. Next, choose McCain, who admits he doesn't know much about the economy, but owns a book on it. A millionaire who owns eight homes of his own, McCain's solution to the housing crisis is for people facing foreclosure to get a "second job" and skip their vacations.

Page 4: Never raise taxes. Next, embrace McCain, who was against the war-time Bush tax cuts before he was for them. Now he'd like to make them permanent. He also wants to balance the budget like Reagan did, but forgot the deficit tripled during the Old Gipper's tenure.

Page 5: Rail against special interests. Next, elevate McCain, whose campaign manager and top advisors are lobbyists, and who has 59 lobbyists raising money for his campaign, more than any of the other presidential candidates.

Page 6: Pander to religious bigots. Next, worship McCain, who in 2000 called them "agents of intolerance" and "un-American...corrupting influences." Then, eight years later, he aggressively seeks out their approval and lands one, John Hagee, who believes Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for gay rights and called the Catholic Church "the Antichrist" and a "false cult."

Page 7: Make inroads with the African-American vote by reminding them you're actually the party of Lincoln. Next, observe McCain, who voted against the holiday for Martin Luther King before he was for it, and then apologizes for that vote in Memphis at the King assassination site, having hired a black man to hold the umbrella for him as he speaks.

Page 8: Decry the media for their liberal bias. Next, cover McCain, who calls the press "my base," in which case all the above will be presented to the American people sparsely, if at all, and always accompanied with the bogus tag, "Maverick."

Eric Day