The jig is up. We’ve been found out.
You may as well know it, too: we working moms have been dogging it. All this time we have been complaining about our tightly-scheduled, guilt-ridden lives, with every minute of our anxious, jam-packed days accounted for by child care, stress-filled commutes, tedious office jobs, and housework.
It was all just for show.
Getting up at dawn and sprinting to make breakfasts and getting kids dressed and making lunches and making sure we didn’t accidentally put on two different shoes dressing in the dark and then racing breathless into a meeting with our skirts caught up in our Spanx and baby spit up on our shoulders?
Eh. Like a Tahitian vacation, it is.
It didn’t take a genius to expose our little scam. It just took Gwyneth Paltrow to out us in a single, Interwebz-inflaming interview. “I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening,” she said. “When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult.”
Several readers sent me this, hoping I’d crush this letters-high fastball out of the park. It’s taken me a little while to get to it, because this “routine office job” I have has been eating 14 hours a day, but with no pedicures, limo, or nanny. There are days when “very difficult” would be a welcome upgrade.
On the plus side, I haven’t had to go to Wisconsin. Yet.
Maybe we should cut Gwynnie some slack. After all, she was under duress at the time, seeing as how she’s enduring a stressful “conscious uncoupling,” which immediately begs the question: how do I split up UNconsciously? If you’ve ever been “uncoupled,” I think you were required to be awake through the entire process, which is a good thing. If you could arrange for light anesthesia for about a year, more people might be up for what us little people call a “divorce.”
Nevertheless, after reading Gwyneth’s statement there is only one conclusion to draw: we must boycott movies, as we are clearly enabling cruel, demeaning enslavement and the actors clearly don’t feel they can walk away from these inhumane and oppressive conditions.
Oh, you were thinking I was going to conclude, “Paltrow is a twit?” OK, there are only TWO conclusions to draw.
What’s awesome is that all we routine office job holders have the power to help a sister out, once we get everything done “in the morning.” We can relieve this Princess of Hollywood of this horrible burden of awards shows, the stress of being perfect, and for the love of God, Wisconsin, and remove her from her sweat-shop job of movie star by never attending or renting one of her movies again.
C’mon. You boycotted Nike and The Gap and Jennifer Lopez on child labor. Let’s give it up for GOOP. She gets to choose to work once a year and earn the Gross Domestic Product of Belize but again, she’s having to do it in Wisconsin.
When will we learn? Won’t anyone think about the movie stars?
• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.