The last time we saw Mom, Interrupted she was recklessly enjoying Phoenix’s decadently warm weather at the expense of her friends and colleagues in colder climes. As it turned out, that may not have been wise…
Last time we spoke, we demonstrated the joys of engaging in Arizona’s “other” pro sport: Weather Taunting, where Phoenicians publicly and disingenuously exclaim over the Valley of the Sun’s gorgeous climate.
One of the hazards of the game, of course, is that karma is a … well, let’s put it this way: She’s not a lady. Too many uninhibited end zone celebrations in the pool in December and she’s gonna hit you with an away game to Green Bay.
And as we will illustrate with this recent incident at the office, my karma debt is apparently financed with a sub-prime mortgage. Let’s roll the tape, shall we?
The conference call began the way it always does, with a discussion of Winter Storm Whatever bearing down on the hapless Northeast. The Connecticut-based defensive captain called the predictable play, simply named “The Weather Here Has Just Been Crazy!”
The quarterback (that would, of course, be me) adjusted with an audible and sent a runner up the middle: “I know! It’s been 10 degrees warmer than usual here!”
The defense rolls their eyes. “That’s right, Elizabeth. Rub it in.”
The back jukes and jives for daylight. “Dude, the only thing I’m rubbing in is SUNSCREEN.” And she scores, because it’s not just a burn, it’s a sunburn!
But the crowd does not go wild. No: the crowd up and sends her to Indianapolis for a business trip. In January.
Yes, I’m going to Indianapolis, where Winter Storm Hercules learned how to make snow angels, where Monday the high temperature was be (and I wish I were making this up) a blazing minus 11 degrees. And I was trudging through it.
Because karma is a … I’d say “female dog,” but I like dogs. They’re warm, for one thing.
Actually, the fine citizens of Indianapolis have a lot in common with Phoenicians. For one thing, they have to use oven gloves to drive too, but only because their mittens aren’t warm enough. But to a Phoenician, a high of -11 degrees (that’s -40 with “wind chill”) may as well be the surface of Mars, which, by the way, was warmer than Winnipeg this past week.
This trip was, of course, survivable. When I was sent to The Land The Sun Forgot last January, I was outside for a total of 10 minutes over several days, most of which were spent walking past open doors. If there weren’t specific zoning ordinances forbidding me to show my bare legs, I could have comfortably worn shorts. So it’s cool. Very cool.
But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t watching the Weather Channel with a fair amount of concern. I’d be lying if I said that my Facebook friends across the Midwest were anything but supportive and understanding, which is more than they need to be, given how many times I’ve spiked a thermometer in their faces.
And I’d be lying if I took credit for the Best Line of The Day from a Hoosier native who happily comforted me: “But it’s a dry cold!”
I definitely won’t lie. Because karma is … a smart aleck.
• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.