Crisis of biblical proportions take place at my own house - Ahwatukee Foothills News: Opinion

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Crisis of biblical proportions take place at my own house

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Posted: Thursday, March 27, 2014 12:45 pm

The Hollywood blockbuster “Noah” will hit the theaters later this month. It cost $130 million to bring it to the big screen and it depicts the destruction of everything on earth with a crisis of what could only be the original biblical proportions.

I could have saved them all a pile of money on sets and special effects by donating my home. The mess my adolescent sons have made has finally reached the DEFCON 1, Terrorist Threat Level Red, or yes, Biblical Proportion Level, in an “It looks like we’ve had the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse over for a sleepover” kind of way.

Hear now the modern-day parable: Very early on, God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. God kept talking over the course of six days, and everything else He said happened, too. He found all of it good, and He then took a well-deserved day off.

On the eighth day, God said, “Let there be teenaged boys,” and there were teenaged boys, and immediately the second floor of Adam and Eve’s home at 333 W. Eden Lane smelled like feet.

Forget the serpent: the first note of trouble in Paradise was when Eve walked into the bathroom she and Adam shared with Cain and Abel and she saw what kind of havoc two young men can wreak on a tile floor.

And thus the Angel of the Lord descended upon the boys and showed them how to use a mop. They ignored him.

God weighed in: “I have given you every herb bearing seed, and you have managed to squirrel it away on a plate in your room and that is why we have ants.” (The full translation on this is still widely debated).

He continued, “When I said ‘be fruitful and multiply,’ I was speaking of all the living things on the earth, not your socks in the middle of the family room floor.

“I already formed man of the dust of the ground. I don’t need to make anything else, so can you please make with the vacuum already and sweep your floor?”

The last straw was when the pest control guy had to use the Book of Revelations to identify the lion-headed locusts with the scorpion tails under the bunk beds.

As later events with Noah and his sons indicated, if you don’t keep your nose clean God is not shy about using a natural disaster to set things right again. In this case a hurricane named “Mom” slammed through the firmament, like the four angels holding the four winds of the Earth and destroyed all the rancid Converse.

And so the archangel cast them and their chaos from the garden, but I’m thinking the flaming sword was pulled because someone (*coughkidscough*) managed to drop a half-eaten apple into the loo, where it promptly lodged in the S-bend and not only did God have to use the ninth day to create plumbers, He also had to create the concept of “pulling the toilet,” which is an expensive proposition on the weekend, even in Paradise.

Biblically, this makes perfect sense, as God has a history of communicating his displeasure with water.

Just ask Noah. Or my sons.

• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at

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