I think I finally get it. I finally understand why Edward Cullen loves Bella Swan. It's because she's the only being on the face of the earth that's even more bland and gloomy than he is. Even on her wedding day, the happiest day of her life, Bella can barely crack a grin as her father walks her down the isle. She looks almost as constipated with grief as I was while watching "Jack and Jill." In that sense, I suppose that Bella and Edward are a match made in heaven.
These "Twilight" pictures may not be the absolute worst movies I've ever reviewed. Nevertheless, sitting through them has become a tedious chore I must undergo on a yearly basis. There's only so much emotional porn for women a man can tolerate. At least now that I've seen the first half of "Breaking Dawn" I only have one more of these things to endure. Then I can finally put this series behind me and the "MTV Movie Awards" can give their Best Movie prize to another franchise.
It's the biggest wedding since Prince William and Catherine Middleton got hitched. Bella is going to give up her life and hurt everybody she cares about to be with Edward. It's OK, though, because she loves him and that's all that matters, right? Bella and Edward's wedding ceremony does offer a pretty funny montage as friends and family toast the newlyweds. Billy Burke in particular stands out as Charlie Swan, who appears utterly distressed by his daughter leaving him. If the filmmakers were smart they would have made the entire movie about Charlie, or at least have made him a more present figure. Instead, we get more of Robert Pattinson blankly staring off into the distance and Kristen Stewart hanging her mouth open like a mentally challenged person.
Edward and Bella have their honeymoon on a private island in Brazil. Just a couple days after consummating the marriage, Bella discovers a bun in her oven. I'd say that the idea of vampire impregnating a human woman is preposterous. After all, how can something that's technically dead give life? But since this universe already includes vampires that don't burst into flames in mild sunlight or werewolves that don't require a full moon to change, I shouldn't expect any sort of accuracy.
Bella's baby begins to grow at a rapid rate and it appears that the demon spawn will inevitably kill her during childbirth. So Bella, now that you've put your life in constant danger, married a vampire, and are probably going to die due to the devil child in your belly, do you have any regrets? No, you still wouldn't do anything differently? Well then, you really are the dumbest individual in the history of existence.
I guess I'm starting to sound like a broken record with the "Twilight" series. These movies aren't intended for me. The young women I saw the film with, however, were all having hot flashes in their seats as Taylor Lautner removed his shirt for the zillionth time. The film appeased them as expected, although even they were laughing at the sheer idiocy of a scene between talking wolves. The film will leave ladies content while their boyfriends can at least hold onto the fact that they'll only have to sit through one more of these drab annoyances.
Nick Spake is a student at Arizona State University.