I am engaged to be married to a man that I have been with for the past two years. He treats me nice, does his share of paying the bills, and absolutely adores me.
One thing that is bothering me though, is that he was raised in a very traditional old-school home environment and expects our marriage and family life to be the same. In other words, he wants me to stay at home, raise the children, and never work again, while he works for us and provides for us.
While that may be every woman’s dream Mikey, it is not a dream for me. I worked hard to support myself and pay my way through college to earn my MBA degree. I currently have a very high-paying job because of my MBA, and I do not wish to cease working there and throw away all of my hard work because my future husband wants a 1900s relationship.
How can I settle this with him, or at least compromise with him to where we can both get what we want?
— Ahwatukee woman seeking a 2013 relationship
Dear Ahwatukee woman seeking a 2013 relationship,
Have you tried talking to your fiancé yet about how you’re feeling? If not, this is the time to have this conversation, before you guys get married.
I would sit him down and tell him exactly how you are feeling about all of this. After all, you both should be able to be very honest with each other because what is a marriage without trust? Not a marriage at all.
Tell him how much hard work you put into earning your MBA degree all on your own, and how your wish is to not quit your job. Plenty of women nowadays work and have degrees and times have changed significantly since the early 1900s. Hardly ever now do you see a family where the man works only and provides for the family while the woman stays at home with the children. These days, both the man and the woman usually have to work to support the household, as well as both usually help out around at home with the children and housework.
Your fiancé should value the fact that you are a hard working woman with a degree, because that will only be an asset to your marriage as you both will bring in a decent income in order to support your family. As for when you have children, perhaps you both can agree either on a day care program or possibly compromise a reduction of your work hours, or even his work hours. This way, you both can still work but both still raise your children. No one says that you or him have to sacrifice your jobs, but surely you both can meet somewhere in the middle to agree on some sort of plan that can allow you both to get what you want and need.
If your fiancé truly loves you, he will respect your wishes, and you two should be able to come to some type of common ground before you officially tie the knot with him. If this enrages him, then you might need to do a little research as to why he really wants you to stay at home in the first place, and if that is a red flag for control issues or not.
• Ahwatukee Foothills resident Michelle “Mikey” Arana is a 2003 graduate of Mountain Pointe High School. She offers free peer advice, however, Mikey is not licensed or trained, just a fellow friend to the community. All inquiries made to Mikey will remain anonymous unless legal issues occur. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.