This is it people, the long awaited day that Stephanie Meyer’s asinine chronicle of lame vampires, talking CGI werewolves, and the single worst female protagonist in all of fiction comes to a close. While the fandom may live on for decades, at least we’ll never have to suffer through one of these movies again. Of course Meyer’s could always write another novel and cash in. But maybe I’m speaking too soon. Perhaps “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2” will be the rare sequel that finally delivers on all the hype, at the very least working as a light guilty pleasure along the lines of “True Blood.”
This final curtain to the “Twilight” saga might not be as pointless as “New Moon” or flat-out stupid as the first “Breaking Dawn.” Regardless, the performances are still adequate at best, the characters lack any substance, the effects are cheesy, the narrative goes nowhere, and the dialog would make a canceled ABC soap opera laugh. The one redeemable aspect of the film is good old Billy Burke as the under utilized Charlie, providing the only intentionally funny lines in the film. But even Charlie reacts all too casually to the fact that Jacob is a werewolf and his daughter has “changed” herself. Then again, what do you expect from a man that raised Bella to be as insecure and needy as possible.
Bella’s grotesque pregnancy and vampire transformation is fortunately out of the way. Now Edward and her have a creepy little vampire girl with the idiotic name of Renesmee. They find that Renesmee is growing at a rapid rate, looking like a 10-year-old after only a short amount of time. Jacob ‘Clueless’ Black is also sticking around the family after imprinting on little Renesmee. I don’t entirely know what it means for a werewolf to imprint on a child. But I’m fairly certain it means that Jacob is a pedophile.
With these “Twilight” movies and “Tron: Legacy,” Michael Sheen has established that when he goes over the top he really goes off the deep end. Sheen swallows the scenery whole here as the Volturi leader, Aro, who believes that Renesmee is an uncontrollable immortal child that could threaten the closeted existence of vampires. To protect Renesmee from the Volturi, the Cullen’s enlist the help of several other vampires from across the world. Some of these characters might actually be interesting if the film took the time to develop any of them. Yet, they’re all basically thrown in at the last minute with next to no buildup.
Like all conclusions to major franchises, “Breaking Dawn — Part 2” of course works up to an epic final battle. It doesn’t mean anything though unless there’s genuine concern for the characters. A film like “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” truly made your heart race as the heroes faced their final confrontation. In the finale to “Twilight,” the climax is never really alarming and feels like a bit of a cheat in the end. But at least we do get to see “Last Airbender” alumni Jackson Rathbone deservedly lose his head.
The best word to describe “Breaking Dawn — Part 2” and the “Twilight” saga as a whole is “bad.” It’s simply a bad a series needlessly stretched out to four bad books and five bad films. If you happen to like it, then good for you. These movies just didn’t do anything for me and they never will. Now if you’ll pardon my departure, I need to go watch the complete first season of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” to get the horrid taste out of my mouth.
• Ahwatukee native and Desert Vista graduate Nick Spake is a student at Arizona State University. He has been working as a film critic for five years, reviewing movies on his website, NICKPICKSFLICKS.com. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.