Mom Interrupted: Don't make me stop this car!

As a parent, if there's anything worse than listening to your own kids constantly argue, it's listening to other people's kids constantly argue and you know you can't ground them, or take away their cell phones, or their media privileges and microphones and teleprompters.

Of course I'm talking about our upcoming presidential election. I'm finding that, as a voter, I'm a lot like the mom who has given up worrying about who's right or who's wrong when she finds out that the kids have tipped over a bottle of green food coloring on the living room carpet when they were fighting.

All I long for now is some peace and quiet, so if you can't play nicely could you please take it outside because I have exactly one nerve left and both of you and your attack ads are both standing squarely on it.

True statement: Years ago when you were gearing up for a run, I rather liked both of you. While I may not have agreed with every statement you made, I could see value in either one of you running our country.

But this election cycle has deteriorated into a season that has all the charm and magic of a cross-country vacation with bickering children, complete with the one who thinks it's comedy gold to kick the seat for about 600 miles and with the other one who plans to repeatedly and randomly poke his sibling until we get to Niagara Falls.

At my house, kids who squabble and tattletale like this ("MOM! He's got an earmark in his pocket!" or "MOM! He keeps promising me he'll effect change but he doesn't!") get grounded, not elected. And the kid who yells, "But HE started it!" gets an all-expenses paid trip to the backyard to pick up the dog poop.

So, instead of all this bickering, I want to see solid plans from both of you outlining the exact, bi-partisan strategies you're going to use to make sure our economy quits resembling a frat house toga party right before the cops get called.

You can save me the posturing and the jockeying for position to see who cares the most about this. I'm guessing that you're not worrying about whether the falling economy is going to fall over and whack your job and family like some sort of out-of-control domino so look alive, you two.

So I need a little less arguing and a little more discussion of how we're going to fix this mess without throwing some $700 billion lifesaver to CEOs whose greatest skill set turned out to be steering their vital-to-the-fate-of-the-nation companies into the ground while they telecommuted from their yachts.

So both of you: kwitcherbellyachin' and get along or I swear I'll stop this car and give you something to cry about. Quit arguing with your brother, stop with the name calling, and for God's sake, no one is allowed to touch anyone until we get to Niagara Falls.

I'm Mom, Interrupted, and I approve this message.

Ahwatukee Foothills resident Elizabeth Evans can be reached at elizabethann40@hotmail.com. Her column appears monthly.