Include your child’s best interest in divorce plans

For families with children, divorce has its own unique contributions of negative consequences, especially for children.

When divorce is inevitable and necessary, it is essential that the parents not only prepare the child for the upcoming changes, including living arrangements (who is moving out of the home), but have a positive parenting plan that has the best interest of the child in mind.

No matter how amicable a divorce, the process is not only very painful to the child, but will affect his or her life for ever. Some thoughtful preparation and planning may make the divorce process have a less dramatic impact on the child.

Once you and your spouse have made a decision to divorce, make up a plan as to what happens in the near future (who relocates where) that includes your child's best interest. There is ample research that shows kids will benefit from the involvement and contact with both parents (unless there is domestic violence or other specific reasons), so make sure you consult with a legal and mental health professional about parenting time, etc.

Maricopa County has specific guidelines regarding parenting time and child-support, make sure you have these issues worked out before you discuss the divorce with your child. Be specific about your plan to divorce but do not give too much detail. Your child may have witnessed arguments between the parents before and may actually be relieved that the fighting will stop.

Explain in developmental appropriate terms the plan you and the spouse have developed. Assure the child that it is not his/her fault and that he or she will continue to have two parents. Many children go through their parent's divorce with few problems or permanent negative effects. However, some children are more susceptible to developing anxiety and depression, especially when changes in living arrangements, time with parents, education and lifestyle are significant and remove the child's "safety net."

Even in the same family, different children may have different emotional reactions to the changes that divorce can bring, obviously overall stability in living arrangements, school, friends and contact with both parents is important to dampen the possibly negative effects of divorce.

It may also be valuable to consult with a specialist and have the children discuss their fears, anxieties and concerns with a neutral but caring person. The divorced couple may also want to consider talking to a psychologist about continuity in parenting their child to avoid future problems with discipline, education, extra-curricular activities and more. Avoid for pending divorce issues and possible anger toward the spouse, to cloud your sense of responsibility and sensitivity.

Remember, the child has no control over the parent's choices and is entitled to the Children of Divorce's Bill of Rights:

1. Recognize that we love and need both mom and dad.

2. Don't turn us into messengers or have us deliver important information. Mom and dad should talk to each other directly or maybe use e-mail if they can't.

3. Don't say bad things about the other parent because he or she is a part of who we are and it hurts our feelings, a lot.

4. Don't interrogate us about what is going on at our other parent's home, just let us enjoy our time with the other parent.

5. Don't ask us to take sides as this makes us very sad and confused.

6. Don't make us feel like we are being disloyal to you when we enjoy being with our other parent, you should be happy that we have a good time.

7. If you have something angry to say to our other parent, don't say it around us because it is scary and hurts our feelings a lot.

8. Don't purposely forget important clothing or gear when we are going to our parent's place, it makes our lives very hard and we end up blaming ourselves for "not remembering."

9. Please don't divorce us from our grandparents and other family, we need them and they make us happy for many years to come.

10. Remember we are kids, don't blame us when things go wrong for you.

Divorce is a painful process that affects everyone, especially children, try to keep in mind how to keep your "child's best interest" focused at all times, when planning and making decisions about your family.

Dr. Astrid Heathcote is a licensed, clinical psychologist with a private practice in Ahwatukee Foothills. She can be reached at (480) 275-2249 or www.drastrid.org.